The Fragrance of Flowers – To Those in Grief…

To those in grief; my heart reaches out to you.

 You wonder if you will ever truly feel happy again; laugh without that tinge of sorrow. You find yourself struggling to hold on, day by day; and sometimes, minute by minute. There are periods where you can’t stop crying. Oddly, this is a blessed relief to your eyes which spent too much time feeling parched and hot from a pain too deep to find release in tears – eyes which only mimic the void within.  You float between anger, sadness and numbness.  Occasionally everyday life can assume a distant dreamlike quality, leaving you feeling as if you are drifting through, merely ‘of’ this world, not engaged ‘in’ this world. You timing appears skewed, and you misjudge distance when driving. 

Other times, blessed numbness sets in, yet even that numbness is compounded by guilt later, as you question your lack of emotion. The heart, swollen and fragile, knows the inconsistency of the passions brought on by tender memories. You find yourself soaring to highs filled with bittersweet joy and anger, only to plummet into the depths of despair.  Or, a shift in clarity may cause you to experience newfound regrets. You may even feel afraid, without  knowing why. Mostly, you can’t help but wish that your life would return to normal and all of this would pass, although your heart rebels at even that simple thought.  How can anything ever be ‘normal’ again? The fabric of your existence is irreparably torn. No matter how much you attempt to mend it, the evidence remains. 

These are just some of the more basic thoughts I am familiar with, having known loss myself and having stood in witness to the transcendence of others as they made that unwanted journey through their dark night.  Yet no one can fully appreciate the emotions YOU are living with, and I’m sorry for your pain.

Grief is a state of being which feels never-ending. It actively incorporates all aspects of our multi-dimensionality. As such, it’s important to connect to your feelings, acknowledge them and provide them with a non-destructive, safe passage for release. Some channel their emotions into their writing or talking. For others, physical activity is a natural response. It enables the survivor to move in energetic flow with their emotions. So, write, talk, sing, paint, run, exercise or dance. Use of the body can’t help but incorporate use of the soul. Think, feel, move and cry. Allow the process to occur naturally while the physical and emotional toxins are released through your voice, sweat and tears. Though it may seem an insurmountable task, by actively participating and riding the waves of grief for as long as it takes, you slash at the vines which have grown up around your heart to ensnare it in a smothering grip.

One significant emotion which often crops up during bereavement is remorse. While it is human nature to lament past actions; remorse can debilitate the psyche over time. In the story of Jane Eyre it is written, ‘Remorse is the poison of life’. So change that which can be changed. Then, instead of floundering through feelings of guilt, shame and regret for past actions which can’t be altered, bend those eternal fires of negative feelings towards a positive goal. Forge a steel of newfound self-awareness and carry your newly expanded understanding into future interactions, to honor the original regret by the learning achieved. 

A wise soul once said that if a person were able to return to a period of their past, and revisit the being they were during that time, they should view that entity, and those situations through eyes of compassion. For better or worse, the decisions of the past incorporated all the resources for the individual’s awareness level at that time. As life progresses, we continue to learn, grow and are afforded the opportunity to perceive existence through a new set of eyes. That expanded growth shouldn’t define the being we once were along the way.  So when reflecting upon days gone by, consciously work towards letting go of these haunting forces. Accept that you gave the greatest love you were capable of giving in each moment. Your rainbow consists of more than just that one unpleasant shade. Viewed in totality, it’s the many shades and facets which held spellbound the one you now, so dearly miss.

Unfortunately, not all relationships have enjoyed their day in the sun. Some grieve for the opportunity lost and what ‘might have been’. They grieve for less than fulfilling relationships, the love of a parent not known or an experience not shared. Here too, it’s imperative to realize that each human is only capable of giving their own personal sort of love, which is molded from their individual experiences and level of development. Love is an elusive yet powerful phenomenon, which can’t be captured, purchased nor sold. This state of unlimited potential is glorious when reciprocated. Yet it also has the curious ability to stand alone. The capacity to love is in itself, a miracle and the root of this grief as well as the comfort, are found in that very same, known love.  As endless as a circle, love serves as a symbol of eternity. In loving another person, please know that your heart allowed itself to be vulnerable. The returned reward was your ability to birth this singularly unique vibration which will continue to echo forward. And just as an echo knows no end, love never dies. 

For those who are willing to explore the dimensions beyond this known physical plane, consider the possibility that your loved ones are still very much alive, experiencing existence from a different vibration level. And though a veil separates your physicality from the loved ones’ continued existence, they truly love you still. Their love sends forth a beat which in harmony, bonds with all the love in the universe.

Your loved one understands that what you are experiencing is unique and natural. Now, as energies of light, they wish only for you to move at your own pace. Meanwhile, they will continue to breathe air under your wounded wings so you might fly once more. This time, as with every other experience here, when you do fly again, it will be as a more seasoned energy, reaching higher and viewing existence from an expansive peripheral view. For there is no substitute that can compare with this living experience, and you are one who carries a badge of honor.  You now know with every fiber of your being, the priceless gift  in a love found.

Though it may seem impossible, try to step back to glean all that can be harvested from this experience. A removed view will offer an understanding for where a particular emotion or behave is transporting you. Observe whether your experience is serving as an affirming witness to honor the love you know…the love you recognize as easily as an old friend. For as you gather knowledge to take forward into your future…knowledge which allows you to love more fully, connect more fearlessly, or give more selflessly…you honor love. You cause a bell to ring across the divide, and complete the circle opened through the original decision to share your heart with another.

Take time. Take as much time as you need to be gentle with yourself. This is the supreme request your loved one would convey if they were beside you in physicality. Do that which feels right to you and rest often. You will move through this valley and your soul will naturally find itself ready to float higher, transcending what seems now, to be an impossible mountain.

 Yes indeed, this is a difficult, yet sacred and natural journey. Please know there WILL be breaks in those weighty clouds pressing in on you.  With time, the mists will thin. Shimmers of light and love will slip in to encircle your heart and gather you in a gentle embrace.  

May your sadness be broken up by periods of tranquility.
May your body know relief from the stress of bereavement.
May the day come when laughter easily wells up from down deep, to slip unheeded from between your lips.
May a song flow within to warm you, and cause your feet to tap in rhythm.
And one day, may you again appreciate the fragrance and delicate beauty of flowers.

For all of this is part of the human experience. Each time a light shines in your eyes; your body responds in a positive manner, and those who love you, both here and beyond, rejoice and celebrate in delight with you.

 One day soon, may you again give your loved ones the gift of your joy.

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